Fifty and Counting

Sometimes there is so much to say that I can only say nothing. Other times there is nothing to say really and I open my mouth and say something anyway. When a person is a talker as I am it is inevitable that putting my foot in my mouth on a regular basis is and will be the way of my life, but it doesn't negate that when I do speak that I don't know what I am talking about.

I have the uncanny ability to perceive exactly what is wrong with me and on many levels; it also extends to understanding the whys and wheretos of others behaviors as well. Much of it is common sense and some of it is due to so many life experiences that I have had in this fifty years of my life.

Yet I feel so stuck in this rut that I have been in since I realized that my surgery had failed to do for me what I was so counting on. And even though I remain grateful that I have found a way to manage my pain, I am so discouraged to even try again to get my life back on track. In other words just knowing what is wrong and why and what I should do about it does not mean that I will actually do anything about it. I suspect that many others find themselves doing the same thing: knowing what is up, knowing what they should do, and allowing themselves to do nothing about it.

Even for something as simple as writing on my blog. I read a lot about current events, know a bit of what is going on and have my own opinions on the issues of the day, but get so lazy to even post here. I mean, the categories are endless on what I can write about and the last time I wrote here was June 6! Here we are at the end of July already!

In the meantime, my mother-in-law died suddenly and my husband and one of our sons is in California right now helping to put things in order so that her body can be flowin back here and plans can be made on what the best thing to do for his dad might be. There is so much to do when death comes, especially suddenly. It really makes me think that my affairs should be in order. Actually, I don't have any affairs to put in order! Ha-ha!!

On a serious note, all I need to do is have our will updated. I own nothing of monentary value and all I own my sons are welcome to. I don't think that Phil, Akai, and Nick would be spiteful or nasty but would be amicable about any of my stuff that they might want. Thank God. I am grateful to God, for real, that despite my mistakes none of my sons harbor any hate and spite towards me like my husband's two older children do; children who when they were teenagers were well established in cruelty and spite as well as manipulation. I feared for my sons as they grew and am thankful again, that they were spared having to deal with the deep jealousy, anger and meanspiritedness of those two. I hope and pray that they, my stepchildren, get healing for themselves and learn to forgive, but I (was) am not fool enough (and wasn't after the discovery of their evil intent) to allow them to have anything to do wth these boys of mine due to some misguided and blind thinking that because they are related they should be part of their lives. God help me but people like them scare me. My sons are now grown and are well aware of what kind of people those two are, but we have to update our will to ensure the protection of our boys in case those two have spent these passed years that we haven't heard from them in by growing their hate some more (as if that were possible since they seemed to be at the epitome already!).

That was pretty random as well as quite meandering. 8-)