Time

How did it get to be Monday (technically Tuesday since it is 4am) and June 6th already? I just posted here recently and it is dated like forever ago (Memorial Day Monday, May 29th). I mean, I do have a lot to say but it looks like I am still nowhere near managing my time like I used to back in wat seems like forever ago. Even a short paragraph daily would have sufficed, but instead I can barely gather my thoughts into some semi-organization enough to post once in approximately a week.

The birds are singing away and I need to go back to sleep, but the question remains, can I? It also remains the same question for quite a few things in my life.

I am thinking I will sign up for the rest of the training for Literacy Volunteers so that I can be useful and busy, thereby decreasing my thinking of myself and giving back some of the much I have as well as have received over all these years.

You know, I don't think I did anything bad to end up on the bottom of the priority lists of people that I am supposed to be so special and important to, but it remains a fact that that is exactly where I am.

Once upon a time I attempted to share with some of these people just how I felt and ended up seeing them even less than I was already seeing them (which was not at all).

There are many things that I could surely say to them, but I don't say them. I keep them to myself and periodically let the hurt out in letters that I don't and don't intend to mail. The reason for that is the last thing I want is for my 'friends' to be guilted into spending time with me.

I understand completely about seasonal friendships and other such relationships; I really do, but these friends assured me that we were much, much more than that and yet nothing save occasionally a sentence or two is emailed my way for some reason or another.

If mine was as important a relationship as they assured me it was I think I would know it. One of the ways that I would know this is there would be time set aside to devote to the relationship. If one is engaged and/or has a best friend the way to developing and maintaining these relationships is to devote time to them. Anyone with a relatively small amount of brain power can figure that out.

I don't have hard feelings towards them, but my feelings are hurt.

I know what the neglected family pet feels like: It is loved, of course, as in "I love you', words spoken and felt sincerely, but life is so busy that there is definitely no time for nor any time being set aside for the family pet. And every once in a while a bone gets tossed its way when there is 'time'.

Why does this keep happening to me? Is it because I am the friend that doesn't demand anything? Is it because I am the friend that says 'take care of everyone else, I'll understand'. And I do understand, painfully so. My feeling just don't count or worse, they do count, but all the 'friend' feels is guilt when their thoughts turn to me. And who wants friends that call you because they are supposed to?

This is why I know that I need to get involved in helping others. It is my Christian duty anyway. 8-) I just don't want to think about this or dwell on it. That will help me and others at the same time.